Don Bro Actually Died Before Don Ho. As He Should Have.

Keegan Hornbeck — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 02:40:57 -0400

I got the news that Don Ho died and I started to panic. It was like my whole world was about to collapse. I had to make sure that the rule still stood...I had to prove that the rules of the universe still applied. What was I to do? I immediately went on google and did a mass obituarty search to be sure that someone named Don Bro had died first. I finally found my relief when I discovered a Don Bro, born in 1970 in Pittsburgh, did in fact die quite a few years ago. You can imagine my relief. You see, the fact that a bro had to come before a ho, is the basis of all that is good in this world. I can only imagine all of the clingy girlfriends and pussy-whipped roommates I have had and how this could have justified all of thier backwards-ass decisions. Luckily, we avoided the paradox when Don Bro came before Don Ho and had the good will to die at the young age of 29. Just think of all the fun nights out at the nudie bar, the late night card games, or those deep drunken conversations that only occur at 3:30am when your best friend tells you that he really loves you, you sonofabitch. All of that could have instantly disappeared and been replaced with memories of Hugh Grant films, trips to Bed Bath & Beyond, and "cuddling" with a moody girlfriend on her period.

Don Imus Shocks The World

Keegan Hornbeck — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:05:00 -0400

Like many good, wholesome Americans I was shocked to hear that Don Imus was still alive. I turned on my regular nightly news and was outraged by what I heard. Apparently, this guy is not only still breathing but he (was) working as a talk-jock morning radio host. I was outraged to find out that the early morning show on MSNBC that I thought was Weekend at Bernie's Part IV was really actual footage of him living, breathing, and mumbling. I thought for sure that he was dead, hell, it even sounded like the sounds coming from his mouth were originating from a drunken amateur ventriloquist. I think it is time that the people of this country come together to fight this outrage together. We as a society can no longer tolerate wax dummies, dressed in horrible western gear, to continue breathing our air. Life is for the living, sir, and you are clearly not one of us. What's next? Am I going to wake up tomorrow to learn that Larry King is still alive and hosting his own talk show? Please.

Famester Blog: Keegan Hornbeck

Don Bro Actually Died Before Don Ho. As He Should Have.

Don Imus Shocks The World